The Republican’s Last Supper
Top republicans attend the Last Supper
Last Thursday, top republicans attended what will be the Last Supper before the November 4th elections. Holy spirits were high as the old regime passed the torch to presidential nominee John McCain and the party savior Sarah Palin (aka – succubus).
Attendees were served moose mousse to start, followed by a main course of roasted albatross and grilled polar bear. The hall was sparsely decorated, with only an ice sculpture of Jesus waving the American flag, carved from a piece of the Arctic ice shelf that broke off last week, way in advance of scientists’ worst predictions.
Sarah Palin opened the evening with prayer, asking God for the Rapture, death to black people, and more off-shore drilling, in no particular order of preference. In lieu of the ritualistic cleansing of the feet, the Republicans agreed instead to a “cleansing” of Palin’s record, absolving her of any wrongdoing and grossly exaggerating her qualifications.
The only awkward moment of the evening was when Rick “I hate gays” Santorum found that he was seated next to Larry “I blow dudes in bathrooms” Craig and Mark “NAMBLA” Foley. The tension was smoothed over, however, when all three men agreed that abortion is the worse of two evils, and then shared a good laugh over the inferiority of women.
During the meal, Palin had a revelation and announced to the group, “You will betray me.” The group of old, white men feigned horror at the announcement. However, after the meal, Guiliani said, “You know, I was really surprised that dumb broad figured out that we were using her. I mean, she’s a hockey mom from Alaska – not exactly the brightest person.”
During dessert, a candlelight vigil was held for 9/11. No, not the victims of 9/11, but the actual event. All attendees were silent as a slideshow of the planes hitting the towers was played over and over to the tune of “Barracuda.” The festivities closed with a toast, when the group clinked glasses of McCain’s blood, hoping to further drain McCain of any life so that Palin can be the next stupid president.
Leave the Liberal Media ALone!
Today I watched the SNL spoof on the McCain campaign ads that have been proven to be untrue, and the funniest part of the experience was the comments left by conservative viewers. The basic theme of their complaints was that SNL was biased in that it had made fun of every politician in this election except for Obama (which isn’t true). The conservatives in the user comments further went on to demand that SNL be “fair and balanced” in their lampooning in this election.
This is hilarious for so many reasons.
1. Entertainment shows have no obligation to be unbiased. There has been so much talk this political season about how unfair SNL is to the McCain/Succubus ticket, how The View was too tough on John and Cindy McCain, how Oprah won’t invite the Succubus on her show. And? Shows like SNL, The Daily Show, and The Colbert Report are comedy shows; taking them seriously and holding them to some standard of objectivity is ridiculous. The fact that Fox News spends any time even talking about these shows reveals how little credibility the network actually has. Barbara Walters can ask any damn question she wants to guests on her show, regardless of what the soccer mom demographic watching wants. And Oprah has publicly endorsed Obama and therefore doesn’t want any other political guests on her show until after the election. Oh, and she can do whatever the fuck she wants.
2. Don’t you believe in a liberal media bias? I thought one of the fundamental beliefs of the conservative base, after the belief that they are God’s soldiers and that gays are evil, is that the media is biased towards liberals. Um, ok, so if all the media (except Fox News, which is “fair and balanced”) has a liberal bias, why are you spending any time demanding equal spoofing? If all shows like SNL fairly satirized public figures, wouldn’t that mean you wouldn’t have a soapbox to stand on when demonizing the media? How else are you going to scare your people into believing that everything they read in the paper is part of a larger liberal conspiracy if shows meet your demands and make fun of all candidates equally?
3. Demand objectivity from news outlets first. There is no public outcry that Bill O’Reilly and Tucker Carlson or Chris Matthews and Keith Oberman be more objective. But Tina Fey and Oprah? Well, they better not show a bias towards one side.
4. Exercise your rights and DON’T WATCH the shows. If a show isn’t representative of your views or lifestyle, don’t watch it. I don’t watch American Idol and then demand that they let contestants on who can’t sing because I can’t sing. I don’t harass the Spanish Channel and say that they should broadcast in English half the time to be fair. I don’t watch Fox News and expect them to say anything objective or useful. So if you don’t think it’s funny when shows make fun of John McCain, then don’t watch the show. Or get a less laughable candidate.
How The Succubus (aka – Sarah Palin) is Ruining the Election
I’ve been oscillating between rage and depression ever since the Republican National Convention. Prior to that, I really wanted Obama to win, but I didn’t think John McCain was the anti-Christ. My opinion has since changed, and no, not to vote for McCain because his running mate and I both have vaginas. I just had hoped that we were going to have a good, honest campaign, or at least one that would be better than the past two. And any possibility of that disappeared when the succubus joined the ticket.
Not that it’s all the succubus‘ fault. Yes, she’s a liar. Yes, she’s unqualified and under-educated. Yes, she has psychotic religious and social views. But the real downfall of the election is that she “fired up” the Republican base, and the Republican base=retards. Am I being stereo-typical in thinking that all of the Republican base is comprised of gun-toting, cousin-humping, God-loving, never-seen-the-ocean hicks in the the middle of the country? No. No I am not. Now, I’m not saying that there aren’t other types of Republicans, because clearly there are. There are the greedy, fat, old, rich, manipulative ones that use religion to get the stupid ones to do their bidding. These are the folks that are inspiring the rampant lying and flip-flopping from the McCain campaign, because the idiot base responds well to fear and hate-mongering.
My hatred has been stoked, as well, and I find that I can’t be rational about this. I just watched an interesting lecture on the moral makeup of liberals and conservatives that concluded with the notion that liberals and conservatives are the yin and yang to each other. Each belief system has a purpose in the development of a balanced society. I say fuck yang. There is too much at stake in our country to let the hicks decide once again, so I hope the scales tip towards the liberals. Obama ‘08.
P.S. – I’m not the only one who finds the Sarah Palin/Succubus parallels striking – see what Kris has to say.
