Election Depression
If the APA doesn’t already have “election depression” listed as a psychological disorder, then 2008 may finally be the year for it to hit the books. I seriously have become increasingly more depressed and anxious over the course of the last 3-4 weeks, with symptoms including mood swings, bouts of crying, fits of anger, an inability to cope with basic difficulties, and a general sense of hopelessness. The cause: the presidential election.
So how does the election cause depression exactly? When I’m not contemplating homicide or suicide, this is what I conclude:
Sarah Palin. I get it; she was picked for the VP slot to energize the conservative base and polarize the electorate. It’s one of the few times “Mission Accomplished” would be appropriate from the Republicans. This woman makes me want to spoon out my ovaries and cut off my breasts. She is an embarrassment to women in leadership roles and she is an idiot. Which I guess makes her a great representative for social conservatives. The very thought that this twat could become president “without blinking” is horrifying on a visceral level. While morons everywhere are championing her, I know I am not the only one who is plagued by nightmares of what she is (in)capable of doing.
24-hour News Cycles. Seriously, this might be the worst thing that happened to us as a culture. Stephen Colbert said it best: “There’s the same amount [of news] from when it was just Cronkite. And the easiest way to fill it is to have someone’s opinion on it. Then you have an opposite opinion, and then you have a mishmash of fact and opinion, and you leave it the least informed you can possibly be.” The news offers very little in terms of substance and fact, and is instead bloated with bombastic sensationalism. And yet, I find myself addicted to it; like a crack-addict I check the headlines every fifteen minutes to read about the new smear tactic Sarah Palin is employing. My mom called me from work the other day to ask me what she was missing on the news, as if getting through an 8-hour shift of taking care of people was impossible without that fix.
Anti-intellectualism. We are a culture that worships mediocrity and stupidity. Our best litmus test for who we want to lead us is who we’d rather have a beer with. Not the leader who would be the most rational, pragmatic, and thoughtful leader, no. But the leader who talks to “me,” Joe-six-pack, or “me,” the hockey mom. The economic crisis and the election have illuminated the inadequacies of our leaders and the idiocy of the electorate. At a time when it feels like the world is falling apart, people are more interested in lipstick lines and who’s friends with who than what the candidates are proposing to do. Further, if you examine the causes of our current problems, question the current administration, or in any way suggest that there is room for improvement, then you are unpatriotic, or even possibly a terrorist. That sort of authoritarian thinking is more consistent with dictatorships and communist regimes. Democracies are designed so that the people can question government; it is unpatriotic to be an ignorant, complacent sheep.
And ultimately it is this failure of citizens to be informed, intelligent, curious, and demanding that is depressing; without freethinking and rationalism there is no hope for us, present or future. Even if Obama wins (praise be to Jesus!), about 49% of the population will still be moronic. And I’ll still be anxious about what our future holds.
The Republican’s Last Supper
Top republicans attend the Last Supper
Last Thursday, top republicans attended what will be the Last Supper before the November 4th elections. Holy spirits were high as the old regime passed the torch to presidential nominee John McCain and the party savior Sarah Palin (aka – succubus).
Attendees were served moose mousse to start, followed by a main course of roasted albatross and grilled polar bear. The hall was sparsely decorated, with only an ice sculpture of Jesus waving the American flag, carved from a piece of the Arctic ice shelf that broke off last week, way in advance of scientists’ worst predictions.
Sarah Palin opened the evening with prayer, asking God for the Rapture, death to black people, and more off-shore drilling, in no particular order of preference. In lieu of the ritualistic cleansing of the feet, the Republicans agreed instead to a “cleansing” of Palin’s record, absolving her of any wrongdoing and grossly exaggerating her qualifications.
The only awkward moment of the evening was when Rick “I hate gays” Santorum found that he was seated next to Larry “I blow dudes in bathrooms” Craig and Mark “NAMBLA” Foley. The tension was smoothed over, however, when all three men agreed that abortion is the worse of two evils, and then shared a good laugh over the inferiority of women.
During the meal, Palin had a revelation and announced to the group, “You will betray me.” The group of old, white men feigned horror at the announcement. However, after the meal, Guiliani said, “You know, I was really surprised that dumb broad figured out that we were using her. I mean, she’s a hockey mom from Alaska – not exactly the brightest person.”
During dessert, a candlelight vigil was held for 9/11. No, not the victims of 9/11, but the actual event. All attendees were silent as a slideshow of the planes hitting the towers was played over and over to the tune of “Barracuda.” The festivities closed with a toast, when the group clinked glasses of McCain’s blood, hoping to further drain McCain of any life so that Palin can be the next stupid president.
Leave the Liberal Media ALone!
Today I watched the SNL spoof on the McCain campaign ads that have been proven to be untrue, and the funniest part of the experience was the comments left by conservative viewers. The basic theme of their complaints was that SNL was biased in that it had made fun of every politician in this election except for Obama (which isn’t true). The conservatives in the user comments further went on to demand that SNL be “fair and balanced” in their lampooning in this election.
This is hilarious for so many reasons.
1. Entertainment shows have no obligation to be unbiased. There has been so much talk this political season about how unfair SNL is to the McCain/Succubus ticket, how The View was too tough on John and Cindy McCain, how Oprah won’t invite the Succubus on her show. And? Shows like SNL, The Daily Show, and The Colbert Report are comedy shows; taking them seriously and holding them to some standard of objectivity is ridiculous. The fact that Fox News spends any time even talking about these shows reveals how little credibility the network actually has. Barbara Walters can ask any damn question she wants to guests on her show, regardless of what the soccer mom demographic watching wants. And Oprah has publicly endorsed Obama and therefore doesn’t want any other political guests on her show until after the election. Oh, and she can do whatever the fuck she wants.
2. Don’t you believe in a liberal media bias? I thought one of the fundamental beliefs of the conservative base, after the belief that they are God’s soldiers and that gays are evil, is that the media is biased towards liberals. Um, ok, so if all the media (except Fox News, which is “fair and balanced”) has a liberal bias, why are you spending any time demanding equal spoofing? If all shows like SNL fairly satirized public figures, wouldn’t that mean you wouldn’t have a soapbox to stand on when demonizing the media? How else are you going to scare your people into believing that everything they read in the paper is part of a larger liberal conspiracy if shows meet your demands and make fun of all candidates equally?
3. Demand objectivity from news outlets first. There is no public outcry that Bill O’Reilly and Tucker Carlson or Chris Matthews and Keith Oberman be more objective. But Tina Fey and Oprah? Well, they better not show a bias towards one side.
4. Exercise your rights and DON’T WATCH the shows. If a show isn’t representative of your views or lifestyle, don’t watch it. I don’t watch American Idol and then demand that they let contestants on who can’t sing because I can’t sing. I don’t harass the Spanish Channel and say that they should broadcast in English half the time to be fair. I don’t watch Fox News and expect them to say anything objective or useful. So if you don’t think it’s funny when shows make fun of John McCain, then don’t watch the show. Or get a less laughable candidate.
How The Succubus (aka – Sarah Palin) is Ruining the Election
I’ve been oscillating between rage and depression ever since the Republican National Convention. Prior to that, I really wanted Obama to win, but I didn’t think John McCain was the anti-Christ. My opinion has since changed, and no, not to vote for McCain because his running mate and I both have vaginas. I just had hoped that we were going to have a good, honest campaign, or at least one that would be better than the past two. And any possibility of that disappeared when the succubus joined the ticket.
Not that it’s all the succubus‘ fault. Yes, she’s a liar. Yes, she’s unqualified and under-educated. Yes, she has psychotic religious and social views. But the real downfall of the election is that she “fired up” the Republican base, and the Republican base=retards. Am I being stereo-typical in thinking that all of the Republican base is comprised of gun-toting, cousin-humping, God-loving, never-seen-the-ocean hicks in the the middle of the country? No. No I am not. Now, I’m not saying that there aren’t other types of Republicans, because clearly there are. There are the greedy, fat, old, rich, manipulative ones that use religion to get the stupid ones to do their bidding. These are the folks that are inspiring the rampant lying and flip-flopping from the McCain campaign, because the idiot base responds well to fear and hate-mongering.
My hatred has been stoked, as well, and I find that I can’t be rational about this. I just watched an interesting lecture on the moral makeup of liberals and conservatives that concluded with the notion that liberals and conservatives are the yin and yang to each other. Each belief system has a purpose in the development of a balanced society. I say fuck yang. There is too much at stake in our country to let the hicks decide once again, so I hope the scales tip towards the liberals. Obama ‘08.
P.S. – I’m not the only one who finds the Sarah Palin/Succubus parallels striking – see what Kris has to say.
how to have a high-profile affair
Affairs are all the rage these days, especially if intimate moments can be captured on camera phones and uploaded to youtube. If you want in on the action, here are the five steps to having a high-profile affair.
Step One: Become high profile. This is, admittedly, the hardest step. I’m not quite sure how it’s done. I suspect it starts with hanging out with high-profile people and getting them to know your name. This is also the most critical step. Granted, high-profile is a relative term, so you may want to begin with some goal-setting. What would you like your headlines to read? Local PTA Mom Sleeps with Student or Aide Quits because Mayor had Affair with his Wife or Guess Who Gave the President a Blow-job. Decide on the end-goal, and then begin working your way up to that station.
If you are in any way ugly, fat, stupid, and/or uninteresting, which statistically you probably are, than this step may not happen for you. If becoming high-profile seems out of your reach, than you should start aiming low. Really, really low. Middle-class affairs are simply uninteresting. You need to get to the gritty trailer-parker who’s-my-baby-daddy-cause-I-slept-with-my-sister’s-husband-and-his-brother level. Then you have a good chance of getting on Jerry Springer or Montel or Maury. If you can’t sing and want to tell America that you are cheating on your partner, you may even get on American Idol. Let’s call this Plan B.
Step Two: Develop a substance abuse problem. This step can happen concurrently with step one if abusing drugs helps you become high-profile. It is important to pick the right drug to abuse, because you still have a few more steps to complete to achieve your goal and you need to be in good enough condition to forge ahead. Stay away from heroin, crack, and meth. Recommended choices are alcohol, cocaine, and/or some combination of prescription pain killers. Pot is not a real drug and no one will take your use of it seriously.
If you are working on plan B, than complete step two, but choose from heroin, crack, or meth. Or all three.
Step Three: Have an affair. This is the fun step, so enjoy it while it lasts. You have two options in this step. First, you can choose to have an affair with someone who is more important than you, and thus would lose way more than you in the aftermath. If this makes you horny, than you know your target. It also probably makes you a Dom, in case you’re ever in the BDSM world. If, however, you are the kinky type who likes to be degraded, than you should sleep with someone way beneath you so you fall the hardest. Your target could be a prostitute, a child, a drug dealer, or someone of the same gender. What’s important is that they be as pathetic and vulnerable as you are powerful and successful.
For those on Plan B: just sleep with anyone that will sleep with you. Don’t even bother to keep track. That’s what paternity tests are for.
Step Four: Go to Rehab. After the affair winds down, there’s not much work left to do, so why not take a vacation? Pick a nice, private rehabilitation center where you can kick back for a few weeks and tell all. This is a great opportunity to dig deep and find something fucked up in your childhood, because it would sound weird to say that you purposely developed a drug habit just to have a high-profile affair. That won’t do. The details of the affair should come out, preferrably around another patient you suspect will relapse, and thus would be desperate enough to spill your story for $20.
If you are working on Plan B: Go to rehab or prison, whichever option presents itself first. Consider it a break from having to collect welfare and microwave dinner. Use your free time to write letters to Jerry Springer.
Step Five: Get a pair of scissors and a scrapbook. Congratulations! You’ve done it! Soon enough the story will leak, and you will be in the news for as long as the corporate media can hold back devastating political stories. Enjoy your 15 minutes of fame – you deserve it.
Plan B’ers – you done good too! See if your Great Aunt Rosie can tape the Jerry Springer episode for you. Then sit back and enjoy watching your fat ugly ass in spandex break a folding chair over your sister’s head. Stop. Rewind. Play Again.
