how to have a high-profile affair

Posted on February 1, 2007

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Affairs are all the rage these days, especially if intimate moments can be captured on camera phones and uploaded to youtube. If you want in on the action, here are the five steps to having a high-profile affair.

Step One: Become high profile. This is, admittedly, the hardest step. I’m not quite sure how it’s done. I suspect it starts with hanging out with high-profile people and getting them to know your name. This is also the most critical step. Granted, high-profile is a relative term, so you may want to begin with some goal-setting. What would you like your headlines to read? Local PTA Mom Sleeps with Student or Aide Quits because Mayor had Affair with his Wife or Guess Who Gave the President a Blow-job. Decide on the end-goal, and then begin working your way up to that station.

If you are in any way ugly, fat, stupid, and/or uninteresting, which statistically you probably are, than this step may not happen for you. If becoming high-profile seems out of your reach, than you should start aiming low. Really, really low. Middle-class affairs are simply uninteresting. You need to get to the gritty trailer-parker who’s-my-baby-daddy-cause-I-slept-with-my-sister’s-husband-and-his-brother level. Then you have a good chance of getting on Jerry Springer or Montel or Maury. If you can’t sing and want to tell America that you are cheating on your partner, you may even get on American Idol. Let’s call this Plan B.

Step Two: Develop a substance abuse problem. This step can happen concurrently with step one if abusing drugs helps you become high-profile. It is important to pick the right drug to abuse, because you still have a few more steps to complete to achieve your goal and you need to be in good enough condition to forge ahead. Stay away from heroin, crack, and meth. Recommended choices are alcohol, cocaine, and/or some combination of prescription pain killers. Pot is not a real drug and no one will take your use of it seriously.

If you are working on plan B, than complete step two, but choose from heroin, crack, or meth. Or all three.

Step Three: Have an affair. This is the fun step, so enjoy it while it lasts. You have two options in this step. First, you can choose to have an affair with someone who is more important than you, and thus would lose way more than you in the aftermath. If this makes you horny, than you know your target. It also probably makes you a Dom, in case you’re ever in the BDSM world. If, however, you are the kinky type who likes to be degraded, than you should sleep with someone way beneath you so you fall the hardest. Your target could be a prostitute, a child, a drug dealer, or someone of the same gender. What’s important is that they be as pathetic and vulnerable as you are powerful and successful.

For those on Plan B: just sleep with anyone that will sleep with you. Don’t even bother to keep track. That’s what paternity tests are for.

Step Four: Go to Rehab. After the affair winds down, there’s not much work left to do, so why not take a vacation? Pick a nice, private rehabilitation center where you can kick back for a few weeks and tell all. This is a great opportunity to dig deep and find something fucked up in your childhood, because it would sound weird to say that you purposely developed a drug habit just to have a high-profile affair. That won’t do. The details of the affair should come out, preferrably around another patient you suspect will relapse, and thus would be desperate enough to spill your story for $20.

If you are working on Plan B: Go to rehab or prison, whichever option presents itself first. Consider it a break from having to collect welfare and microwave dinner. Use your free time to write letters to Jerry Springer.

Step Five: Get a pair of scissors and a scrapbook. Congratulations! You’ve done it! Soon enough the story will leak, and you will be in the news for as long as the corporate media can hold back devastating political stories. Enjoy your 15 minutes of fame – you deserve it.

Plan B’ers – you done good too! See if your Great Aunt Rosie can tape the Jerry Springer episode for you. Then sit back and enjoy watching your fat ugly ass in spandex break a folding chair over your sister’s head. Stop. Rewind. Play Again.

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