Guilt by Association, or Why Conservatives are Stupid

Posted on October 20, 2008

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I’ve heard many conservatives wonder why liberals assume they are stupid. The answer, to borrow a move from the Republican playbook, is guilt by association. The conservative base is comprised of the dumbest citizens of this fine nation (you know, the evangelicals). The fact that Republican candidates all pander to these fools, and hold up their yet-to-be defined “small town values” as being more “pro-American” really shows the depths to which the party has plummeted.

Perhaps there are conservative intellectuals out there, though I’m still not sure that’s not an oxymoron. (To be fair, I am newly in love Kathleen Parker and Christopher Buckley). I don’t know who they are because a) I am a liberal, and b) all the conservatives that get airtime are assbags. Limbaugh, O’Reilley, Couture, Hannity – these are the douchenozzles I associate with the mainstream right. These are not people that I would want to represent me in any way.(To be fair, I don’t exactly want to be affiliated with Keith Oberman either).

When I’m not in the grips of total rage or crippling fear, I actually pity conservatives. I can’t imagine what it’s like to be a fiscal conservative, or a libertarian for that matter, and have to be lumped in with the Jesus freaks and hicks. In fact, if I were a fiscal conservative, I would demand that the leaders that are supposed to represent me stop using social issues to manipulate DUMB people, and actually create small government. But since that will never happen, I would keep my fucking mouth shut and vote McCain in silence, in deep fear that my smart friends will find out and think I’m retarded.

As a liberal, the craziest people I get lumped in with are tree huggers. Due to my proximity to Berkeley, I’ve seen these people crying over trees on TV, and they’re downright adorable compared to the racist assholes screaming at Palin rallies. I’ll take latte-sipping over lynching any day. So, to all those conservatives out there who wonder why liberals think you’re idiots (and if you’re wondering, you’re clearly not an evangelical), you’re simply guilty of being connected to the worst this country has to offer.

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Posted in: people, politics